On Being a Believer with an Anxiety Disorder during a Pandemic

Wow. Great topic. Sure thought I’d be writing about this the first time in years I’ve decided to post here, right? So, first to clarify things from the title of this article. 1) I believe in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior and I am a born-again Christian, saved by Grace because if it was about me doing anything right or well I’d be screwed. 2) I suffer from a life long anxiety disorder, probably in my DNA as most everyone on both sides of my family does as well. My doc used to say I produce too much adrenaline, can’t get out of fight or flight. Jesus and anxiety meds have literally saved my life, most surely my mind. Yes, you can trust and love Jesus and still need anxiety meds. It’s not a sin. Shut up if you think it is. Obviously you don’t know what it’s like to feel like you are going to die or implode usually for no reason whatsoever, but especially in this day. I’m thankful anxiety is not your prob, because it sucks. Big time. 3) It is April 2020 and we are isolating at home (Larry and I) because the big bad world is a little too scary right now and if we can avoid COVID-19 or giving it to you, cleaning up our long neglected house (and affairs) is a great pay off. It is tiresome waking up in the morning and realizing today is no different than yesterday, except perhaps a big worse. I’m a social introvert. I like you people, I miss all of your beautiful faces and marvelous quirks.

So, how do those three things co-exist? Well this is pretty much uncharted territory for most all of us. Nobody alive knows how to do this very well, to be informed but not too informed because it’s a wee big triggering out there right now. Let me tell you what I do think I know.

It is a cruel gospel to pretend that everything is going to be okay and the plague will pass over your home because you have put frankincense over your doorway (which I do by the way, because yeah, why not?). I think it is also unfair to our friends and families that don’t follow Jesus to say everything will be just perfect the day you decide to follow him too. No, that’s not actually what Jesus said. Not at all. And, OH MY GOODNESS, when I googled the words of Jesus that I wanted to quote here there was a passage preceding that says something CRAZY. I’m not a person that likes to just throw around verses that are out of context for the day and time. But hear this (Jesus talking to his disciples) : “Do you now believe?” Jesus replied. “A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, EACH TO YOUR OWN HOME. You will leave me all alone. Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me.” But here is where I was going with this. The world is hard, the world is unjust, the world just sometimes doesn’t seem all that great. But this is what Jesus says: “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

My hope is not in staying home so we can flatten the curve. My hope is not in finding the correct medication that quickly makes this hardest of times a memory. My hope is not in electing the next President. My hope is not in the United States of America. My hope is not in the economy bouncing back and the stock market recovering. My hope is not in finding a treasure trove of toilet paper.

My hope, dearly beloved, is in knowing Jesus. My hope is in knowing he is good; he’s not playing some great big old chess game with the Father and shouting checkmate over our lives. My hope is because his love is great, all encompassing and completely undeserved. My hope is because he loves all of us with an amazing love. A completely sacrificial love. A servant’s love, a good father’s love, a best friend’s love, my Creator’s love. My hope is in the fact that he is but a breath away.

S